the vicious cycle


NOTE: I apologize that this is going to be an extremely poorly written post. I struggled to write it because I didn’t know how to say it.

A constant dilemma that I think a lot of younger people face is that issue of needing experience in order to get hired. How does that work? In order to gain experience, I need a job. But to get a job, I need experience. In which case it seems like I’ll never get a job.

Depression comes with a lot of crazy emotions and unfortunately, loneliness is one of them. There’s a feeling of immense loneliness that intensifies the sadness and emptiness that outlines my whole day. Many times, I’ve tried to fix this loneliness by talking to my friends.

Like most people, I have a friends. Some are great, some are terrible. Some try to be there, some only see their problems. But all of them have no idea how to react when I tell them I am depressed. The general overwhelming response is panic and/or disbelief.

A third of my friends will say, “Oh that’s interesting. I hope you feel better. So I was hanging out with my boyfriend…” Basically: You’re not important enough for me to think about. Listen stuff about me and my boyfriend. We know who those friends are.

Another third will give me some variation of these three lines : “Think happy thoughts!”, “What about everyone that loves and cares for you?”, and “Don’t say that!”. These friends don’t realize that these words, despite being very well-intentioned, are very painful to hear.

The last third will invariably panic and despite wanting to help, choose instead to run and to avoid because they just have no idea how to deal with such a problem. Or else they’ll attempt the above approach, but upon realizing that the tactic isn’t working, will abruptly retreat. Their panic feels like abandonment, which, in its own right, is also extremely painful. No one wants to feel abandoned.

So what do I do? I retreat. To hope that my friends will understand and listen, only to realize that their words hurt or that they do not want to, can not or are unwilling to be there for me is more pain that I’d like to have. So I go back to holding it inside and being alone. Being alone is better than being rejected. Who wants that?

But then again, who wants to be alone?

Depression is a lonely, lonely walk. When in its grasp, I more often than not cry out for a hand to hold. But people are afraid. People are naturally afraid of what they do not know. They don’t know what to do because they don’t know what it means. Some are afraid to get too close, and so will only throw me a life saver. Some yell things like, “You can do it!”. Others think that I’ll be able to climb out if they throw me a ladder. So they throw it in and don’t look back to check that I’ve gotten out.

But obviously things aren’t so simple. Depression leads to loneliness. So we turn to our friends to relieve that loneliness. But the response is usually more painful than we want, so we retreat again.

It’s a vicious cycle that I’m constantly trying to break.


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