Today, I learned what it feels like to have a gun in my mouth.
Have you ever wanted something so badly that you could feel your heart aching?
That’s how I felt. There I was, on the floor, this piece of metal sticking to the roof of my mouth, and my heart was aching. Because death was so close. I knew that all I needed was just one twitch of a finger… and all this pain would go away.
But I didn’t. Because my sense of duty wouldn’t let me. My sense of duty that tells me I have taken too much from my parents and this was no way to repay them.
Just a few days ago, I felt like I still had things in life to look forward to. Now, I feel a disconnect. I feel disengaged. I’m going through life and yet, I’m not really living it.
Today, I wondered why I was still living.
Today, I wondered what the point was.
Today, I wanted the pain to stop.
Today, I made a plan.
Today, I put a loaded gun in my mouth.
And cried as my pain warred with my sense of duty.
Today, my sense of duty won.
And that’s the only reason I’m still alive right now.
All of this happened today.